Happiness (written in February 2014)

When I was 17-21 and madly in love, I was happy almost all the time - actually meandering between extreme happiness and extreme misery (he didn't feel the exact same way about me). Then I lost him and for the longest time I felt like I'll never be happy again because I'd defined happiness as that peak high of young love, that feeling that I'm omniscient, that I've discovered the meaning of life, and everything around me - bus stop, other people, run down dorms - was beautiful, exquisite, brimming with meaning. But of course happiness is a lot of other things I was discounting because they didn't come remotely close to those decibels of shrill joy - spending time with my friends, finding good books to read, getting better at my job, Darjeeling tea, traveling by train, inventing stories before sleep, playing with my dog, etc. etc. etc.

My point is childhood and adolescence have a very special happiness to them that is underpinned by novelty, and therefore excitement - the novelty of love, of places, knowledge, activities, etc. This becomes increasingly rarer in adulthood, plus you slowly amass disillusionments which chip away at your stores of hope - and hope is a key ingredient in joy. But I think there are other kinds of happiness, too, they may be quieter and inconsequential but I do think they count. It's taken me a long time to stop staring into the past so much but it's doable.

След цяла сутрин hate read на мозъчни пръдни от самодоволни недорасляци, съм убедена, че светът е пълен да ръба със силно ограничени откъм гледни точки, въображение и капацитет за състрадание хора и на-доброто решение е човек да се пропие.

Сериална антропология

Чудех се защо предпочитам латино сериалите пред турските, и май се сетих - героинята в латино сериала обикновено е заснета с вдигната глава, заявяваща достойнството си, често до степен на твърдоглава гордост. Тя не се притеснява да обяви своята независимост за висша ценност и да прекара няколко десетки епизода в преследването ѝ с всякакви средства. Достойнството ѝ се определя от отношението ѝ към самата нея, то е синонимно със самоуважение и това самоуважение е изразено най-често чрез отказ да се търпят унижения и несправедливости, независимо от очакваната награда.

Основното качество, с което се препоръчва героинята от турския сериал, е нейната многострадалност. Тя плаче, свела е глава, търпи лишения или несправедливости, за да се изтъкне достойният ѝ за одобрение нрав. Обръща другата буза, не отмъщава и просто чака любовта да дойде при нея - нейното достойнство е в неопетнената ѝ репутация, в безупречното придържане към социално одобрените правила за достойно женско поведение, които пък се диктуват от установените полови роли.

Дефиницията на достойнство в двата вида сериали е противоположна и за мен като феминистка, всъщност като човешко същество с чувство за собствената си ценност, е естествено да се идентифицирам с първата.

Какво искат жените, според рекламите по бг тв, 2015

Незабавно по-бели зъби
Нокти без гъбички
Да мирише хубаво в тоалетната
Деликатната бебешка кожа да е чиста и здрава
Мощен срещу мазнините и нежен към кожата на ръцете
Самобръсначка, от която кожата не загрубява след бръснене
Да не ги боли коремът
Мъжът им да мирише на красавец, въпреки че е селски бек; билети за някакво нещо, диаманти, лодка, мъж на кон
Сутрини, изпълнени със смях
Облекчение за краката си с уникална комбинация от растителни екстракти
Сбогом на цъфтящите краища
Здраво прилепваща зъбна протеза
Огнена, грациозна, страстна и екзотична за дълготраен аромат

Мисля, че най-трудното нещо в личните отношения е да обичаш, без да очакваш нищо, дори когато другият е приключил с теб в своя живот, дори когато не ти е дал обяснение. Да оставиш приятелство зад гърба си въпреки всичката любов и всичкото щастие и колко много от теб се дължи на това приятелство, на споделеното през него. За мен това все още е невъзможно, въпреки че вече знам, че трябва да го постигна някак.

Definitions of success I have a problem with

Unpopular opinion: I hate pep talks about seizing the day, following your bliss and leaving ordinary life behind. Why? What's wrong with ordinary, if you're perfectly happy in it? We cannot all be extraordinary - it's a linguistic absurdity! - so all those do is make those of us who can't be extraordinary feel anxious and guilty for not even wanting it, and even valueless in our state of ordinariness. I just hate this rhetoric.

Here's what I'm talking about, an except of one such pep talk: "the people that I admired… the people [who] really knew how to live" - there's one specific way to do living right? Isn't that limiting, and thus ironic for a rhetoric that's supposed to jerk you into breaking your limits (of course, it just assumes you're boxed in and unhappy about it)?

Moreover, it's really easy for people who seemingly have no responsibilities for anyone else in the world. You can't just quit and follow a chimaera if you need to provide sustenance and safety for minors, or if you have aging parents that couldn't make it without your help. It just breezily assumes we're all middle- or upper-class, free people who can afford to not be needed by anyone, or can be easily replaced in personal relationships, or have no problem sacrificing them, and that's a mightily privileged, and therefore exclusive, position.

And another thing. I hate that they all invariably define success and happiness, no matter how broadly they present their ideas, as personal expression. While I tend to agree with that personally, for many people success and happiness can be amply found in the area of personal relationships, for example. Or in being useful for other, in some kind of service. In something that's directed outwards, and not inwards, which is our modern-day obsession - endless self-exploration, self-development and self-expression, as if it's just us in the world and nothing we do can possibly affect anyone else, let alone our communities and societies as a whole.

That said, it occurred to me that many of those essays and talks might be borne out of the discomfort and dissatisfaction of a life in a corporate machine of repeating the same actions every day and never having the satisfaction of seeing the results of your efforts, in a complete and productive circle. I can respect that, of course, because a life defined from start to end can be suffocating, especially if paired with the western mantra of our supposed endless choices and absolute freedom. It makes for an especially frustrating combination, because you eventually realise it's false advertising. Naturally, at some point you'd stop kidding yourself that your structured life is freedom and choice and start looking for those elsewhere; or, if you're really inquisitive and exposed to other ideas about the world, discard the ideology of individual freedom and self-expression altogether.

Мила родна картинка

Средностатистически мухльо с нищо незапомняща се физиономия, стил или постижения, прегърнал красива жена. Защо българските жени са с толкова ниско самочувствие, ужасно ми е тъжно.

Unpopular opinion on reproduction

Like, ok, here's a seriously unpopular one that's hugely offensive. I don't think having your own biological children is a sacred right that you should be able to exercise at all costs. And by all costs I mean at the expense of poor women. I do not like paid surrogacy one bit and I don't think people's need to have biological offspring trumps concerns about exploitation. I read a comment somewhere that said something along the lines of, sometimes it's better to learn to live with your tragedy and not exploit vulnerable people in order to achieve your goals, and I absolutely agree. It weirds me out that we've elevated reproduction as a lifestyle to such a pedestal it's blasphemy to express any ambivalence towards assisted reproduction.

Изглежда краят на младостта, ако за нейна ключова характеристика приемем бунта, в най-общ смисъл - прогресивни идеи, вяра във възможността нередното да се изправи, търсене на нови възможности за възприемане на света, отвореност към непознати идеи, отношения, философии и др., прегръщане на "алтернативни" начини да си живееш живота - свършва около 26. След това тези схващания или започват да се архивират като "наивни" и "незрели" и се преминава към традиционно мислене на света, възприето от предходното поколение, или се развиват в разни идеологии или практики; т.е. хората започват да се делят на консерватори и прогресивни и е учудващо колко лесно се различават едните от другите.

It's hard because I don't want to ridicule anything because you never know if you're just not getting something that strikes a chord with someone else, and that doesn't deserve ridicule - but then what do you even write about? Empathy doesn't make for good story material. 

Отиваше ни зимата
С бялото ми палто
и твоето черни, като
наметалото на Батман или рисунка върху корица на Достоевски
Отивахме към пощата
да взема нещо, не помня какво
Беше заледено
и ти ме прихвана през кръста,
а аз те обгърнах с две ръце
смеехме се
и ей така, тогава
всичките ми желания и мечти
бяха в двете ми ръце

Ambition and ispirational messages

I have this weird problem. People around me seem to struggle to fight for something better in their lives and realise their ambitions and potential. I have the opposite issue - I feel constantly shamed by this barrage of messages that I should go forth and be myself and not care about obstacles and not conform etc. I feel like I should have a stronger desire to be more unique, more non-comforming, more genius, more impactful, more outstanding, when I don't really want these things. So I'm left with a weird feeling of guilt over not being spiritually ambitious enough, is the best way I can put it. I do get a tinge of feeling I'm capable of so much more... but I just don't have the perseverance in me to pursue this. And besides, doesn't everyone?

This sounds like a rationalisation of my laziness. It most likely is! But I just wish I'd be free from these defeating inspirational messages scolding me for not trying to change the world harder. I feel like social media and living constantly connected has dried up my potential to do any of those things I'm reminded daily I'm not doing. Because I think I'd be more likely to depart on my path if I wasn't constantly offered a scale of the infinite possibilities juxtaposed with the barren land of my efforts and achievements.

Maybe I should quit the internet for a year.

Humanities and STEM

Arnheim, June 2014

As a fellow Liberal Arts grad (and MA—so I bought into it even harder than you appear to have), I urge you to keep the following in mind:

1.) -ANY- mention of your degree will result in the following:
1a.) "LOLZ, do u want fries with that?!" This was funny the first million times I heard it; it will continue to be funny for the foreseeable future, if the insipid poltroons that keep repeating it have anything to say about it.
1b.) "Oh? So how do you spell X?"
1c.) "How's retail working out for you?"
1d.) "So you wanted to teach, right?"
Items 1a-1d reflect an incredibly blinkered, myopic thought pattern that is wholly incapable of self-reflection or recognition of entities outside of itself; this should invoke pity—rather than disdain—in us.
2.) "Wow, way to be an idiot with your major!"
Again, this line of thinking reflects an inability to conceptualize—or indeed, even entertain the notion—that forms of employment beyond, "I r can reed buks gewd" are available to Liberal Arts majors. It's a failure of creative thinking—or critical processing—but in either case, it reflects a fundamental inability to market oneself beyond a very narrowly defined skillset.
3.) "So do you work two jobs?"
Our careers can never be profitable. Never. If we were able to support ourselves, the folks sitting upon their lofty economic perches, pitying us for our very existence (and our parents for having permitted us to study the fields we chose) would see their very worlds turned 'pon their ears.
4.) "I am incapable of a witty, cutting remark, therefore I shall fall back upon items 1 (sub-items a-d) through 3."
It's a common refrain. As you're only 23, I suspect you're relatively new to this game, but you've likely already heard your share of the edu-stratification "durr-hurr, I'mma make fun of a Lib Art major," bullshit.
Ignore it. They needed us before, they need us now, and they'll need us again.
I'm in my 30's, I've been gainfully employed since I matriculated with an MA in English (and I'm doing just fine for myself economically, too), and I've not served a French fry since I was in high school.
The market sucks right now, but you'll make it. Keep at it, remember that taking a job that might seem "beneath you" is anything but when you need the paycheck, and bear in mind that those who deliberately denigrate the fields of others are lacking something in their own lives that forces them to shit on everyone else to make themselves smell better by comparison.

http://jezebel.com/as-a-fellow-liberal-arts-grad-and-ma-so-i-bought-into-1590731306

He was always too cool for me.

Why is rape worse than a beating?

Part of what makes rape so bad is not the anatomy of it - it is the hate crime aspect. Being denied a seat at a lunch counter would be a mere annoyance if it was done out of petty interpersonal meanness; being denied a seat at a lunch counter as a reminder that your entire race is both casually and systemically oppressed in the society where you have to live transforms a trivial annoyance into a deeply psychological experience.

Rape has a legacy of being used as a tool to control women in a system where our lives and bodies were historically the property of our husbands, fathers and pimps. This cultural mindset still persists and is what we call "rape culture." Even the most logical and self-aware women fear rape (and fear for our friends) because we know that centuries of cultural norms will mean that rapes committed by men with a relationship historically resembling ownership of a woman - a husband, a male companion, a pimp - will be doubted or denied by the overall culture.

Given a black eye, few will argue that you were not beaten; however, even with injuries from rape, one can expect that you will be told you caused or allowed your rape. Part of the assault is the psychology of it: women either believe that they are deserving of the rape in some way, or know that other people will act as if they are.
Seize on Jezebel